My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize