She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
