How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
