Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
