Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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