I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize