Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm passing your future prison.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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