I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
