i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Couch. On fire.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
