I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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