I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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