fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
