When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
vagina is talking i cant
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
