You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
