My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
