fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize