Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
