The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
