your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I am puke
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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