We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
