i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
