did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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