she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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