I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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