he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
