last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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