I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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