I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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