mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
