i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
