if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the condom got lost in my hair
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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