She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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