the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Why is there bacon in the couch?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
