I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
