Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
