"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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