I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
