oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
