Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
