Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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