Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize