My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I am one with the molecules
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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