i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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