Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
