ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
