my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
