Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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