Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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