a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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