So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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