Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
