Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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