She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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