I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
