My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
