I wish I only lived at night.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
