Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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