I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
