woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
