I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
