I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
