im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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