at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
