new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
