So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
